All I Have, Is What I Don't
by rockinrye
Summary: She performs for the first time when she's three years-old dressed in Minnie Mouse pajamas and holding the spoon her mom stirs the chocolate chip waffles with as she belts "The Itsy Bitsy Spider."


I.

She performs for the first time when she's three years-old dressed in Minnie Mouse pajamas and holding the spoon her mom stirs the chocolate chip waffles with as she belts "The Itsy Bitsy Spider."

She tilts her head back and raises her left hand like the ladies in the wigs and pretty dresses do on those black and white singing shows she watches with her daddy on Saturday mornings when she hits the final note. Her daddy picks her up and sets on her the counter, kisses her forehead and sweeps soft dark curls out of her face.

"Good job, Squish," he says. She giggles and starts up again.

II.

She's six when she learns all the words to a song they don't sing in a circle at school. It's "River Deep, Mountain High" and Mommy sings it really loud when she vacuums and in the car after that song about shaking feathers. She likes how it makes her feel warm and fuzzy because Mommy always looks at her when she sings, "I love you baby like a robin loves to sing."

Daddy records her on his camcorder and sends a copy of the video to her abuela. When she comes up for Christmas, "I want to hear that pretty voice, Squish," is the first thing she says. Santana blushes bright red, scrunches her forehead and lets her curls shield her face.

"Don't tell me Squish is shy," Poppa Lopez says grinning and dipping a hand under her hair to pinch her cheek.

"M'not shy," she protests, flipping her hair back and crossing her arms.

"A dollar says you are," he teases.

She gets his dollar and ten more during those Christmas Eve encores of "Silent Night."

III.

She's ten and for their fifth grade promotion they have to sing. Every Wednesday, when they'd normally be in social studies, they're sent to the choir room to practice. Brittany's her new best friend and they hold hands as the class files to the first floor. She's glad they don't have to do alphabetical order on the risers because she likes bumping shoulders with Britt to pass the time.

She doesn't _really_ like any of the songs they have to sing – even she knows Mariah Carey's "Hero" is super cheesy and she likes the alternative version of "I Believe I Can Fly" that involves being shot by the FBI but they're not singing that. Really, she doesn't like most things. Not Finn Hudson or Noah Puckerman or cheese on her eggs. She doesn't like that Noah points and laughs when she reaches for Britt to keep from losing her in the hallways either.

She doesn't like the songs at all but she gets a solo on "Hero" anyway. It's a solo but it's only the first verse. She gets to open the song and that Rachel Berry girl gets to close it. She really, really doesn't like the songs, but she's still excited to sing them.

She practices every day while she plays with Barbies in the attic with Britt and while she pushes her broccoli over the edge of the table for their dog Remy to eat. Her older brother Julian slaps her with a pillow because she won't stop singing while they watch Boy Meets World. She learns the power of a kick to the groin in fifth grade too.

IV.

She stops singing at thirteen because it's not cool and she needs to be. So, she spends her summer becoming accustomed to running suicides, having sore muscles and painting both hands perfectly.

She still sings in the shower and hums when she rides in backseats but her voice really isn't anyone's business.

V.

She's fifteen and not as annoyed as she pretends to be when Quinn suggests, well, commands, they join Glee club. "Say A Little Prayer" was her song suggestion. Sylvester chews her out for singing in the middle of practice but she hums it all the way to the Pierce family van when they get picked up. She never even thinks to stop.

There's a thrill she gets performing with Glee that she's never felt at any other competition, but it's still familiar. The thrum low in her belly, the warmth spreading over her skin feels almost as good as Brittany's lips on hers.

She's not lying when she tells them it's the best part of her day.

VI.

She's sixteen and so in love it hurts when she uses music to say what she can't. She forgets that she doesn't actually like Schue when he recommends _Rumours_. "Songbird" expresses her feelings perfectly. She's silently thankful that Quinn's jealousy tugged her into joining Glee – even if she'll never, ever tell her that.

She cries when she hears the song for the first time and her throat is tight every time she practices it. She's not really ready when she pulls Brittany into the choir room to share it with her, but the sad look on her best friend's face makes her forget about perfection.

Brittany's happy tears make all her own worth it.

VII.

She's seventeen when she pretends that she actually means the words, "I could use a break." She kicks the first set of lockers she sees because she's pissed that she can't make herself care enough to stop sabotaging herself, let alone the Glee club.

She spots Quinn sneaking into the auditorium but she can't make herself go in so she hums from her perch outside the door and wonders if the beat is really unstoppable.


End file.
